Hegemony Shift

Leading economists were stunned by new reports of a substantial
increase in sales of Jehovah's Witnesses version of the Bible - New
World Translation of the Holy Scriptures over the last six weeks.

"Get what's left of your money out of Nortel or Enron," advised top
industry leader Warren Buffet. "New World Translations are hot, hot,
hot right now. Sales have been steadily rising all summer, and as the
end approaches, we see no signs of decline."
Wash up actor Kevin Costner, whose career has turned into a smoking
ruin (See Waterworld, Message in a Bottle), was seen reading a New
World Translation in Aspen, Colorado inside a Texaco kiosk he now owns
in part, as was Friends cast member Jennifer Aniston, caught poolside
struggling with the bibles grammar offerings by the paparazzi at her
Beverly Hills mansion. Despite reports of The New World Translations
alleged flagrant misuse of words such as "God", and re-wording of
several scriptures to correctly align their particular brand of fear
mongering doctrine, many other well known celebrities remain dedicated
New World Translation readers. Some even admit to having a favorite
specific chapter, and verse.

"As this catches on, and it IS catching on, things could get big -
real big" marveled the insider. "Take out a sizable loan, Sell your
home, your family, your belongings. You just can't go wrong with this
bible."

Palestinian children were outraged early yesterday morning to discover
that a playground, formerly used by both Israeli and Palestinian
children, had been occupied and sealed off by a band of Israeli
youths. Claiming a right to the land that their forefathers had played
on, Palestinians vowed that they would not rest or break for lunch
until the playground had been returned.

"Our goal is clear", a boy known simply as Yakko shouted, "an
independent Palestinian playground, with this sandbox as its capital!"
Screaming pro Palestinian slogans, Yakko and several poorly dressed
youths threw water balloons at Israeli youths on bikes, only to be
dispersed by semi automatic water gun fire.

Historians note that the disputed playground has long been an area
of contention in the region, with both groups claiming it as holy
grounds. "Right here on this very ground Abraham built his first
castle of sand", a returned very wet Yakko proclaimed, "and Mohammed
himself visited this slide. Can the slide which touched the ass of the
Prophet fall into Israeli pig dog hands?"

Israeli children offer a different interpretation of events, claiming
only self defence against the blatant wedgies and provocations of
Palestinian youth. "We cannot stand by and allow our enemies to kick
sand at us and put firecrackers in our shoes when we are not looking",
Joseph Rosen stated, a 9 year old Israeli leader, "there can be no
peace in the face of constant water balloon attacks. We have stated
time and again, when the soakings stop, negotiations can begin in
earnest."

In recent violence. 11 Israeli children were drenched to their bones
late last night, when a Palestinian child snuck a wheelbarrow of water
balloons into the playground complex. The Palestinian child himself
was soaked to almost beyond recognition, and it is these suicide
soakings that Israelis have come to fear in recent days. American
efforts to bring both parties to the picnic table has failed, as both
sides accuse the other of unprovoked violence.

"What can we do against the superior armament of the Israelis??"
Yakko argued, "we fight with balloons and the scraps we have, while
the Israelis are armed by the Americans with hoses and Super Soaker
5000s. We are being butchered!! Palestinians have never been so wet!"

More talks are slated for tomorrow at lunch, though American children
are not optimistic at any notable progress.

Slim Jims: Jehovahs Jerky, or Satans Meatstick?

There has been much ado over claims that Slim Jims may have
therapeutic value in treating blind rage and aging spots, as seen in
such celebrity cases as Macho Man Randy Savage, and in easing the
mania that comes from watching WWF Raw more than once a week. A U.S.
Institute of Medicine report acknowledges that there is some truth to
these claims. But does this mean that the near-future doctors will be
prescribing Slim Jims, as if they were a panacea?

Not likely, for some of Slim Jims over 4000 chemical compounds may
prove useful, 'stepping into it' as a cure-all would hardly qualify as
the logical way to take such medicines.

"Eating Slim Jims," says noted authority Dr. Carlton Turner, "would be
like giving people mouldy carrion to eat to get penicillin." So if any
of Slim Jims compounds ever become bona fide medicines, it will be
Slim Jims "derivatives or analogues," chemical compounds similar to
them, that doctors will prescribe. No wonder then, that, the U.S.
Secretary of Health and Human Services wrote: "It should be emphasized
that possible therapeutic benefits in no way modify the significance
of the negative health effects of Slim Jims."

So do you want to say no to Slim Jims? Then watch whom you associate
with. Seek out the friendship of God-fearing Christians who will
support your resolve to stay free of the 'seemingly harmless effects'
of Slim Jims. (Compare 1 Samuel 23:15-16) Note, too, the words at
Exodus 23:2. Although originally directed to witnesses of Jehovah
giving sworn testimony, they are good advice for youths: "You must
follow after the crowd for evil ends."

Yes, Jehovah God will give you the strength not to bawl out "Oooooh
yeeah!", or to make unnecessary and sometimes harmful forays into and
through cinder block walls as seen on television commercials. Never
let others pressure you to weaken in your resolve. As Rupesh* urges:
"Don't experiment with Slim Jims. You'll suffer the rest of your
life!"

*Ambiguous first names without last names have been changed with other
ambiguous first names without last names in an attempt to make
commentary content appear as if genuinely commented on rather than
vague fluff consciously made without clear choices